Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Skymall: Summer 2014

I've decided to start a new column dedicated to the wonders of the best catalog in the world:  Skymall.  I travel often for work and have regularly threatened my friends with the idea of an all Skymall Christmas. As I'm currently stuck on the Tarmac, ready for a 6 hr flight, it seems the perfect time to start this column.  The pictures aren't great as I'm literally on a plane.

Sadly, this Skymall isn't as insane as most!  But there are still some gems:

1.  A wine sippy cup.  Who exactly is this for?  The person who is to drunk to work a cup? A toddler with a drinking problem?   I guess the fake stem is just there to keep it classy.

2.  On top, they are advertising what is essentially a Segway without the top.  You just stand and it wheels you where you are going.  And it's almost a grand. So you can not walk.  Walking is free.  I recommend walking.  On the bottom is an amazing contraption that is half skateboard, half inline skates.  Once, when I was about 7, I decided to try my hand (foot?) at skateboarding and promptly fell off and almost broke my wrist.  I suspect my clumsy ass would not fare well in the Orbitwheel.  Although it's a bargain at a mere $99.99.  

3.  No lying--I need this jacket.  I will go to events where nobody else gets a single bug bite and I'll have dozens.  Over the years I've tried every type of spray.  I don't wear perfumes or scented anything and I never wear bright colors but I still get bit like mad.  Need to know if you have fleas?  I'll walk through your house and come out with ankles looking like I'm 9 months pregnant. This jacket might be the best invention in the world.  

4.  I would only buy this for someone as a joke. What kind of person buys a singing gondolier for their pool?  Who buys this???

5.  On the other hand--if I didn't live in an apartment I would not only have this climbing squirrel but that zombie dog??  Totally would be in my yard.  In fact, that's possibly my mom's Christmas present.  

6.  Doesn't everyone feel their shower could be improved if it looked more like a rave?  I've been to a lot of spas (okay, like 2 spas) and I don't remember multicolored showers!  Obviously I wasn't involved in the " pure fun"!  

7.  Don't lie.  You'd buy everything on this page if you could.   Everybody wants a body of armor or an Egyptian coffin in their house.  I'd use it to scare the dogs and pull "Home Alone" style pranks but I'm sure there are many uses. And most of the options offer curbside delivery!  So you don't have to go pick it up like a filthy heathen.  

8. I love this page.  In the middle, they offer his and her fake tattoo shirts--there is nothing more badass  than committing to wearing a shirt with printed tattoos.  So realistic!   I like the shirts in the lower left because I was just sitting waiting for this plane with a set of young lovers wearing matching shirts that said "I love my southern wife" and "I love my southern husband" over gigantic confederate flags.  Ah, young love.   

But the real winner is the box in the lower right corner.  It appears that the box exists to give you daily affirmations, but only if your name is Bob.  Wouldn't your day improve if a box complimented you every time you opened it?  I am looking good today, box, thanks for noticing!  

9. You think I'm going to talk about the hideous dholes but no--that bag freaking winks as you wear it!!!  What kind of black magic is that???  Burn the witch!!

All in all, I'm disappointed in the summer 2014 issue of Skymall.  It doesn't have nearly the WTFeryof previous editions.  I'm going to have to rate this one a 3/10 because there aren't nearly enough items you'd have to be low on oxygen to buy. 

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