Skymall: Summer 2014

I've decided to start a new column dedicated to the wonders of the best catalog in the world:  Skymall.  I travel often for work and have regularly threatened my friends with the idea of an all Skymall Christmas. As I'm currently stuck on the Tarmac, ready for a 6 hr flight, it seems the perfect time to start this column.  The pictures aren't great as I'm literally on a plane.

Sadly, this Skymall isn't as insane as most!  But there are still some gems:

1.  A wine sippy cup.  Who exactly is this for?  The person who is to drunk to work a cup? A toddler with a drinking problem?   I guess the fake stem is just there to keep it classy.

2.  On top, they are advertising what is essentially a Segway without the top.  You just stand and it wheels you where you are going.  And it's almost a grand. So you can not walk.  Walking is free.  I recommend walking.  On the bottom is an amazing contraption that is half skateboard, half inline skates.  Once, when I was about 7, I decided to try my hand (foot?) at skateboarding and promptly fell off and almost broke my wrist.  I suspect my clumsy ass would not fare well in the Orbitwheel.  Although it's a bargain at a mere $99.99.  

3.  No lying--I need this jacket.  I will go to events where nobody else gets a single bug bite and I'll have dozens.  Over the years I've tried every type of spray.  I don't wear perfumes or scented anything and I never wear bright colors but I still get bit like mad.  Need to know if you have fleas?  I'll walk through your house and come out with ankles looking like I'm 9 months pregnant. This jacket might be the best invention in the world.  

4.  I would only buy this for someone as a joke. What kind of person buys a singing gondolier for their pool?  Who buys this???

5.  On the other hand--if I didn't live in an apartment I would not only have this climbing squirrel but that zombie dog??  Totally would be in my yard.  In fact, that's possibly my mom's Christmas present.  

6.  Doesn't everyone feel their shower could be improved if it looked more like a rave?  I've been to a lot of spas (okay, like 2 spas) and I don't remember multicolored showers!  Obviously I wasn't involved in the " pure fun"!  

7.  Don't lie.  You'd buy everything on this page if you could.   Everybody wants a body of armor or an Egyptian coffin in their house.  I'd use it to scare the dogs and pull "Home Alone" style pranks but I'm sure there are many uses. And most of the options offer curbside delivery!  So you don't have to go pick it up like a filthy heathen.  

8. I love this page.  In the middle, they offer his and her fake tattoo shirts--there is nothing more badass  than committing to wearing a shirt with printed tattoos.  So realistic!   I like the shirts in the lower left because I was just sitting waiting for this plane with a set of young lovers wearing matching shirts that said "I love my southern wife" and "I love my southern husband" over gigantic confederate flags.  Ah, young love.   

But the real winner is the box in the lower right corner.  It appears that the box exists to give you daily affirmations, but only if your name is Bob.  Wouldn't your day improve if a box complimented you every time you opened it?  I am looking good today, box, thanks for noticing!  

9. You think I'm going to talk about the hideous dholes but no--that bag freaking winks as you wear it!!!  What kind of black magic is that???  Burn the witch!!

All in all, I'm disappointed in the summer 2014 issue of Skymall.  It doesn't have nearly the WTFeryof previous editions.  I'm going to have to rate this one a 3/10 because there aren't nearly enough items you'd have to be low on oxygen to buy. 

Red beans and rice (p. 256)

As all regular TJOTJOC readers know, I absolutely love New Orleans. It's easily my favorite city in the US. I like everything about it--the people are interesting, the bars are intimate and fun (assuming you aren't on Bourbon street), the food is amazing, and there are places with interesting historical significance everywhere you turn. So it seemed to be the absolute perfect place to have my bachelorette party! My bridesmaids all met me down there for a weekend of fun. I went down a couple of days early because one of my very best friends since sixth grade also lives in NOLA. Erin has been consistently supportive of TJOTJOC since it's inception and proposed that we make a New Orleans recipe out of TJOC while I was down there--a perfect idea!

(I also gifted her with a copy for her birthday and it was very rewarding to give TJOC to someone who loves it as much as I do).

We settled on Red beans and rice (p. 256) partially because it's my very favorite New Orleans dish and I order it obsessively while I'm down there. I really loved being able to get authentic andouille too--if I made the dish in Fort Collins I would have had to use Kielbasa which is totally different.

In a stockpot we combined water, ham hocks, celery, onions, bell peppers, garlic, bay leaves, thyme, oregano, pepper, and ground red pepper. We also included a little of my dad's incredibly incredibly hot pepper powder mix (if you want some, send me an email, I'm sure he would be willing to part with some more).



It was cooked for about an hour and then the ham hock was removed. The beans (quick soaked) were added and the concoction was cooked for another hour.



The ham was shredded off the bone--this is Erin shredding. (I'm sorry I cut off your head in this picture! Next time I come, we will take a better picture with us and the food)




The meat from the ham hocks, along with a pound of smoked andouille sausage (sliced diagonally), was added back to the red beans.



The red beans were then ladled onto rice:




So how was it? Absolutely delicious. And very very authentic tasting. I know what you all are thinking--how would Jessica the Iowan/Coloradoan know authentic New Orleans cuisine? Well, I wouldn't. But Erin and her boyfriend Jian (a native!) would--and they both said it was excellent. I'm sometimes critical of the authenticity of TJOC's ethnic or regional recipes but this one was really good and I'm now very hopeful for their gumbo and jambalaya recipes.

The bachelorette party went extremely well and was incredibly fun! I can't wait to get back to the Big Easy.

Sauteed summer squash (p. 308) and Montreal

I'm amazingly behind in my blog, yet again. It's been an eventful summer! Between June and August, I went to Chicago, Des Moines, Montreal, New Orleans, and Fayetteville--I've been super busy.

When I was in Montreal I went with my father to an amazing deli for lunch. I had never had a terrine before and always thought they seemed really retro (and not in a cool way). We happened to be in Montreal for Bastille Day (I didn't really think I should be celebrating something as horrific and bloody as the French Revolution, but when in Rome...) and were served a TERRIFIC cheese and meat platter with a truly delicious terrine. My TJOC only has one terrine recipe (and it's chocolate), which really surprised me. At times I think that TJOC seems much more retro than it actually is.



I also decided to eat the famous Canadian poutine. Poutine is ubiquitous across Canada and is even sold in fast food restaurants. It's an absolutely bizarre concoction. French fries, topped with cheese curds and brown gravy. And it's delicious.



Back to TJOC, I made Sauteed summer squash (p. 308) out of some yellow squash that dad gave me from his giant garden. I love summer squash even though my father tried his damnedest to make me hate it--at dad's house in the summer, most dinners consisted of pork, summer squash, green beans, and beets.

The recipe was easy--I cooked some onion (also from dad's garden) in a little butter, then added diced squash and a little salt and pepper. TJOC states that it should only take six minutes but it took my squash about a half hour to cook (par for the course, I think just about everything in TJOC takes much longer to cook than it should).



How was it? Very tasty. The squash was soft without being soggy and had a nice crispy buttery outside. It's a perfect choice for anyone who has an overproducing garden. And I could eat a LOT of summer squash before being sick of it.